The Ache of the Missing Present

The ache of the missing present. I feel like sometimes that’s what grief is. The realization of what you imagined to be never taking shape. I think that’s why some of the happiest people are the ones that only see the present for what it is and take inventory without expectation. “I don’t know why they don’t just choose to be happy. It’s what I do.” The echoes of my older brother’s words after our youngest sibling, Paul, died often ring in my ears. I lost Fischer, my dog of 13 years, at the end of September. It is in …

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A Little More Certainty

I wake up to sounds. Some days it was hearing the trickle of a creek next to my window or the rushing roar of a hot air balloon. Other days it was the quiet stillness of a midwest prairie with the hiss of the wind rustling the grass, or the steady crash of waves as the Pacific Ocean jumped its way onto the beach. The sounds were only one of the dimensions that came from living in an RV. Recently I am waking up to different sounds. City sounds. Super Mario is playing as someone’s alarm, a woman is giggling …

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Let It Snow

It was a moment of disbelief when I didn’t even have the time to be stunned. Two days prior I had been in the 100 degree heat of Moab, UT sweating just to stand still. If my future self had told my past self that two days later I would be braving a snow storm in the middle of May in the mountain passes of Colorado, I don’t know if I would have believed me. Brendan and I had just left Moab that afternoon and were looking for a free campsite that had been listed off of I-70, about ten …

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The Work of Living

It was an unexpected and wonderful open mic night in Portland. Brendan and I were in town finishing up some gigs he had secured in the local area when we decided that we wanted to experience more music before we left for Eastern Oregon the next day. After a false start at a dive bar named after a potato, we decided we would try this other open mic instead. With a name like The Nest Lounge, how could you go wrong? We arrived later than the posted start time and followed some other late-arriving musicians up the stairs to our …

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Everyday Home

I keep finding reminders of the life I’ve left behind. As my time living in Seattle draws to a close I keep finding things to stumble upon. My house is on the market at an asking price that will put me at break even after the nearly $20,000 in agent commissions and fees; I’m trying not to bite my nails. Worst case scenario will leave me financing an RV at 1/6 of the cost of my mortgage. Which, when I consider that it gives me a place to live and the mobility I need to continue to play music around …

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What I Want

“It’s just the sheen,” she said as we looked at our options in the sand ahead of us.  I thought it had looked a little wet from the rain, and possibly the tide. I wasn’t sure if we should continue our advance upon the sand. The day was one that I had officially taken off. No working, no shows, no practice. Just me, my friend, Kimmie, and the two little dachshunds to take off in my car and head out to the Washington Coast in the pouring rain. Kimmie had never been to Ocean Shores before and this was the …

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For the Birds

He stood there amongst his friends quietly. He looked a little darker and stared at us with a patience that spoke of a soul looking from the other side a different doorway than the one that we entered this world. From his black feet to his orange beak, he wasn’t like the other seagulls but somehow he also fit the description. We named him Horatio. We didn’t know it then but in Italian, the name means Timekeeper. It was our fourth day in Los Angeles and we had already checked out of our Airbnb in the apartment in Playa Del …

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Symptoms of Me

There are still candles sitting on the fireplace mantle from when the power went out. That was in August. Nearly two months ago. I am staring at another symptom of me. Two days ago, I was rushing to mow the lawn that had been uncut for nearly three weeks. The grass was starting to overcome my two dachshunds when they would run out to the fence to bark at the middle school children. Between the rain, the clouds, and the nightfall that comes earlier now I finally had an hour where I could cut the grass without the dew clinging …

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The Wider Net

“I like online dating because it can at least give you an indication that someone is interested,” I told my friend. “Interested, sure,” he replied, “but interesting….?” He let the sentence trail off into a question and I had to laugh. It was a good point. The truth is I have mixed feelings about online dating. You see a picture, you read a profile, you like a smile, and maybe they like yours too. There’s no real ambiguity about the fact that you’re sizing each other up. There are steps to the dance and rules to follow. I take some …

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Geli Happiness Project 2.0

The power has gone out before. It’s just a matter of time and the diligent workers at the utilities company will make the repairs necessary for enabling the first world comforts to which I have become accustomed. The power always comes back. It was Saturday morning and another working day. The night before I played a four hour gig in Tacoma and hadn’t gotten home until after 3am. Since of of my bands was hired to play the Marysville farmer’s market, I had gotten about four hours of sleep before getting up and getting started all over again. Rain had …

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